Abigail’s Pet Project

I’ve been away from posting for a while. But not from Abigail. I am addicted to sexual arousal. And as Abigail arouses me so I am, by association, addicted to my relationship with Abigail, and by association addicted to Abigail. And within the relationship the exploration of alcohol, sleep deprivation and other forms of losing control are once again rearing their tumescent heads.  I have a poor memory so as well as taking forever to figure out how to log in to write this I don’t recall if I’ve mentioned that I am a kink cliche. I’m white. I’m male. I’m (finally) in my forties. I’m a professional. I’m successful.  I’m really twisted . No one knows. Except me, Abigail, and yes, you dear reader. So shush. No one’s interested. Least of all my boss.
Abigail had me drink until I passed out a few days ago. It might happen again tonight. Why do I do this? Because it’s hot to do as you’re told.  Especially if you’re being told to do things that really aren’t all that good for you. Go figure. I’m too successful in my day job for my dark side to stomach, so it leads me down bad pathways to pay the price, just in case I get too … what’s the word? .. oh yes, ‘happy’. Yes, go figure.

tags: Manipulation, Perversions, Behavior Modification, Fetish author: petproject comments: No Comments

I’m a walking talking d/s cliche. White, forties, successful (if a little uneasy about the success) at work, well respected, well paid, but hopelessly messed up internally due to an addiction to sexual arousal that mirrors in it’s irrationality, intensity and incessant gotta-do-it / gotta-stop-it cycles, an untreated addiction to heroine.

I want to be healed. I want to be destroyed. I know I should go the path of healing. But destruction is so sickly hot that I’m always looking down into that pit even as I walk the good path, and I always fall, and I love it, but then when the heat really begins to char my skin I crawl out full of self disgust and remorse and once again start plodding the path to a knew beginning ‘knowing’ I will never do that again. But I do.

Who I am when aroused is not who I am when unaroused. There is almost no commonality. Except the extent to which the reasoning of each is the almost exactly mirror of the reasoning of the other. Bad behavior is avoided by one and sought by the other, precisely because it is bad. Each knows that he is right. Each looks at the other with incomprehension.

tags: Porn Addiction, Submission, Perversions, Fetish author: petproject comments: No Comments

Friday morning. Very hard. totally distracted and unable to work. Why? Because I was/am thinking thoughts along the lines of:

I’m sitting in a coffee shop with Abigail. She’s my girlfriend (or so people think). She’s not talking. We’ve been sitting in silence for a while, and finally I’m talking.

“You know, it’s hot to be,” I nervously sigh, “you know, paying for “it” .. when you’re my girlfriend …but Abigail, it’s getting difficult, increasingly so”.

I stop. I’m waiting for Abigail to speak. She says nothing. At some point she gazes out the window and I start to continue but now I’m mumbling,

“Yes I know, we both know, you’re very bad for me and so why am I complaining about how bad things are getting when that’s just how things are and will always be so — I don’t know … it’s like this is getting too serious and …”

I stop again. She’s seems to be looking at shops across the parking lot. There’s a bank there. My bank. She doesn’t look back at me. The silence goes on and on. She’s not staring at the bank, I can see her eyes following the movement of people. But the bank is there. Bit in my lower lip I finally get up. She doesn’t react. Still doesn’t look at me. I walk out around the tables of normal people to the door. I hang on to the arousal of this moment, thinking about her smiling as I come into view walking toward the bank - but as I push through the door I hear her strike up an animated conversation with one of the male barista’s . I’m squirming inside, blood rushing to my cock. To my face. It’s a long walk. I feel numb out in the heat. I don’t want to let myself feel anything. Just get it done. I’m angry that the arousal of the moment has gone, but underneath that something still squirms. At the bank I get the two hundred dollars and then add another hundred for, I tell myself, the present I’m getting for my mother. I go back. Through the window I can see her still talking to the guy. Smiling, happy. Sexy. Very sexy.

I push the door open, she doesn’t look at me. But he does and he excuses himself. As I sit I start to open my wallet but she frowns at me, and immediately I stop. Still standing I hand her my wallet. I can’t look. At the wallet, at her, at anyone. I don’t want to find the barista watching me. If he is, I’d rather not know. So I stare out the window, across the parking lot. I wonder if she knows how little is left. Part of me knows she knows. Part of me is fearful that she does not. Most of me is getting drunk on my fucked up confusion about everything.

“Sit down”.

The warm words snap me out of it and I return the smile. More blood rushes. I sit.

Abigail hands me the wallet. It’s there in my hands, but I can’t help looking. There’s still money in there. It looks like a hundred. I look up at her. She’s smiling and frowning quizzically.

“Something wrong?”.

I don’t know what to say. It’s that look. Completely unreadable. I know on one level she’s just waiting to see if I give it to her, but on another - this is so like her, the most excruciatingly compassionate cruelty - she could have taken it all. I would not have stopped her. It would have been hot, controlling, nasty. But she didn’t. She knows how bad things are for me financially. Doesn’t she? That’s why she left the hundred alone. I think. But, she’s looking at me. She knows what might happen. But I don’t know, I never know what she wants. I know , more or less that if I close my wallet and leave the cash in there for me that she won’t express disappointment. I won’t even see it in her face, her eyes, even for an instant. But here we are. And in situations like this - not the same but similar - choice type situations, I’ve done the equivalent of keeping the money, and of course I’ve also done the opposite. So there are no rules, no guidelines here. Moments like hours pass, and then a flick of the tongue, a brief wetness of her lips, nothing about it seeming premeditated, just something she did and I’m lost. I swallow, close my eyes and begin to hand the wallet to her.

“Take it out”.

The tone is ice cold and my eyes flash open looking at her. Her face is deathly serious. And I’m in free fall internally and I’m sliding the notes out.

“Count them”

I question for the barest instant with my eyes, then I’m counting them out.

“Twenty, forty …. “.

There’s one hundred dollars there on the table between us.

“You’re so sweet”.

The smile and warm wet tone almost blunting the condescension. Almost. White hot.

She stands. So I stand too. The money is still there. She’s making to leave. And maybe because I feel the scene, if that is what it was, is over and I ask simply,

“What about the money ?”

She smiles, amused at my confusion.

“That’s the tip for Antonio,silly. So he can buy me dinner at Miguel’s tonight”

The white heat is now boiling up inside me. I’m falling apart and yet coming together completely at the same time. The rush of deep sadness cut through with searing arousal. And with sincere displeasure not loud, but far too loud for my comfort,

“What? Why do you care? You’re going to be busy with your own nasty selfish needs all day, all night and all morning”.

Her disgusted expression is fixed on me. Then disgust vanishes, and there beneath it, or as a mask on top is the smiling sexy softness the melts me every time,

“Aren’t you?”

tags: Manipulation, Financial Domination, Perversions, Behavior Modification author: petproject comments: 1 Comment

First let me say that I have used for some time now a perfectly legal pharmaceutical that allows one to stay awake and alert far longer than is normally possible. However, typically I have never used that to do more than pull an all nighter for work, so I can go in the next day functioning at a normal to high level even though I have not slept.

And even in my more perverse moments the longest I have ever managed to stay awake is 72 hours. So this past weekend staying awake from 5:22am on Thursday morning through past 9:22am on Monday morning (the 100 hour mark) and on into that evening was a surprise and a shock to me. Abigail and myself have gone over all of the conversational logs for that period and can’t find a moment when I wasn’t babbling on about some sexual perversion or fantasy or predicament or other that is longer than maybe an hour. The reason we did this is that when you’re very sleep deprived your short term memory gets worse and worse and it becomes very easy indeed to forget what you are or have been doing, so I was worried I’d slept for a significant time but had no memory of doing so. Having found no evidence of that I frankly don’t know how I did it other than perhaps the extraordinary level of motivation I normally feel while interacting with Abigail - especially with regard to pushing limits, be they physical or mental.

With me sleep deprivation is a sexual fetish. The more sleep deprived I become the more sexual I become but this is accompanied by what I would call a softening of the mind. I become less clear on what I should and should not do. My sense of right and wrong becomes more blurred and when you combine that with, say, a raging hard-on and rather messy inner sexual life it can get pretty crazy. And that’s what led to the rather crazy, let us say, penetrative behavior of the weekend.

If you’re curious about exactly what a huge dildo looks like. Go find an online store that carries the Lexington Steele cock. That’s what has spent time in my ass and my throat. Before you get any ideas that I’ve lost my mind in a very bad way, assplay is condom protected and throatplay is with the condom removed and Lex well washed and dried. Maybe it would have been hotter if I’d left out that rather parental guidance sounding footnote. And such crazy assplay does have as a prerequisite a rather clean ass. But that’s not sexy at all so I’ll say no more. Well it kind of is, but … well another day perhaps.

The thing that is most intoxicating sexually about that period looking back on in it is how it aligns with this evolving sense of me assuming the role of something somewhat less than human. Especially compared with Abigail. A subhuman would perhaps not sleep, would perhaps be controlled by drugs, have a very defined role, have a very dependant relationship with a full human, would exist to gratify the full human, and not necessarily sexually, an object of amusement at times … or something like that. Maybe.
We may do it again sometime. But as a subhuman that’s really not up to me.

tags: Femdom, Perversions, Behavior Modification, Fetish, Masturbation author: petproject comments: 1 Comment

I’m feeling a bit weary and dull-headed as I write this but I’m in the middle of an insane weekend with Abigail. It’s indulging my appetite for extraordinary levels of extended sexual arousal grounded in bad behavior. And though I know all that - the generality about myself I am learning new specifics. Such as I can stuff an enormous Lexington Steel Dildo into, if not fully, my ass. I can do that 35 times in a row. I can fuck myself in the throat with aformentioned Steele until I’m so sore I have to stop. This is news to me. And the medium sized Tantus plug is very much at home in my ass. And despite the passage of time I can stay up for 39 and a half hours working productively which can mean working productively or it can mean wanking with quantities of lubricant so vast it’s way beyond the realm of friction reduction and deep into the realm of lubricantia, the fetishist’s obsession with things slick for their own sake. And endless web and harddrive based pornography

tags: Femdom, Tease and Denial, Manipulation, Porn Addiction, Submission, Perversions, Behavior Modification, Sex Toys, Fetish, Masturbation author: petproject comments: No Comments

I’ve been quiet lately and there are reasons for this that are too dull to be worthy of description here but it has made me realize the extent to which Abigail dominates my life - not just in the literal kink way but to the extent that absent her I don’t have an extensive series of social network with which to take her place. But I like that. Abigail has a way of being a friend and a destroyer which is deliciously self-contradictory. Honestly, it wouldn’t be nearly so hot if she was a pure cardboard cut-out ‘ruthless bitch’ ‘femme supreme’ or some such. And she’s very aware of what she wants, and isn’t afraid to say nothing when you’re being a typical male and doing a terrible job of hiding that you just want wankfare from her. It’s very easy to feel pathetically needy in her presence. She is who she is and nothing will change that, least of all you. Least of all me. Being forcibly intoxicated and financially drained by your best friend is a very sick idea but here I am. I’m rather fond of the perverse dynamic and I don’t think it’s something I can find anywhere else. So she’s evil, but in the best of ways.

tags: Femdom, Perversions, Behavior Modification, Fetish author: petproject comments: No Comments

I’m developing a strengthening association between feeling horny and wanting to drink. My desire to drink does not exist when I’m unaroused. Sometimes even when aroused I don’t desire drink. But in the last week to ten days I would say that most of the time I get horny and start to crave alcohol, or rather I start to ache for the soft, warm, happy, fuzzed out state of mind that comes with alcoholic intoxication.

I’ve fallen asleep in mid binge about five times in the last two weeks

Since April 16 I’ve drunk all of the vodka (1.75L) and all of the rum (1.75L), plus two beers, 5oz of Jim Beam and 12oz of tequila in that time.

For those that care: That’s 92 shots in 25 days.

Drinking this much alcohol this often can’t be good for my brain, liver or body in general. But I’m turned on by recklessly damaging myself to please Abigail. That’s probably the sickest thing about all this. It’s bad, it’s wrong, I want it.

If cocaine were legal I’d be begging Abigail to let me snort it.

One morning after a particularly heavy session I did the shots-math in my head and realized I might be able to drink a entire bottle of wine by myself alone in an hour. I got hard.

I realize or suspect or at least just plain fantasize about the quantity and frequency of my consumption of alcohol escalating considerably.

I don’t spend much time at all thinking about cumming . I’ve only come once since early February. Just occasionally I get a really intense acute desire to come, to make it stop, make the hunger stop, to go away, to have sexual craving leave me alone. I eat a lot of precum. And when I do that, in the past week I have immediately felt an ache to wake up next to a man and suck his cock and drain his balls and swallow it all down, and we would not return the favor, sometimes he then kicks me out of the bed and falls back to sleep

I hadn’t fucked my throat in so long. It was intense last night. I can feel even now twelve hours later a residual faint dull ache in my throat. I’m thinking about it becoming frequent now. I could deepthroat a monster cock by the way. Any offers?

Drinking when told and as or more importantly not drinking unless I’m told makes the drinking an aspect of losing control of a part of my life. And that loss is tremendously arousing.

I’ve gotten to the point in my head where pleasing Abigail is arousing. Back in the day it was more that getting Abigail hot got me hot. That is still true. Very true but it’s not perquisite for strong arousal. I don’t have to turn Abigail on for it to feel hot to me . If she likes what I’m doing or is pleased by it, that is enough.

I’ve been giving some thought, while stroking, to the idea of being of a lower class of being than Abigail. I’m her pet. I’m her animal. I’m a subhuman. She can love me. She can use me. She can be caring, she can be ruthless. I have no say. I am her pet. It’s what I’m for.

One recurring fantasy has her conducting experiments on the effects of alcohol, cialis and modanifil on me. Dosage and safety are not her concern. Just seeing what happens is important. Parts of this are leaking into my reality. It drives me crazy. See my note about the arousal of deliberate self-damage.

And always my mind is subject to the heat that is this unpredictable mix of the compassionate with the callous, that is Abigail.

tags: Perversions author: petproject comments: No Comments

For reasons of perversion and dark need I have to wank for five hours today minimum, flush my ass out, and can’t eat after 8pm without permission. Oh and be naked in the house. Oh and wear a collar at all times. And have a cockring and cuffs available too. And tonight there will a lot of drinking. And no sleep. And it will be much the same tomorrow. And the 5hours of stroking will also apply to Sunday. I’ve had a little bit to drink already and its a very hot night so I’m having a tricky time focussing on this. I have just completed the five hours. My cock aches. My mind is getting mushy already. I don’t know how I’ll feel at the end of this but however I feel it’s going to be somewhat unforgettable. This has to be the worst bit of writing I’ve done ever. I’m going to find some moving air to stand in and try to cool down a little.

tags: Manipulation, Perversions, Masturbation author: petproject comments: No Comments

Abigail often has these passing fetishy interests and I had expected the ‘forced intoxication’ play to grow old for her and that it would already be behind us. But it hasn’t. If anything it’s escalating. I’m not turned on by intoxication per se, but I am turned on by bad behavior, by things that I should not do. And heavy drinking would be one of them. It’s not good for your health, it can take up considerable time, it renders me incapable of doing anything else, it costs money, it makes me more vulnerable to manipulation than before.

Abigail knows very well that this is why it turns me on and one of the things that has established itself and I don’t recall it being anything formal is that the money I spend on alcohol is really significant because I have to pay a fee to Abigail every time I buy. For every dollar I spend on alcohol I have to send her a dollar. This is now true of pornography and sex toys. And of course the sick thing about that dynamic is it gives her financial incentive to push me to excess, and knowing that just causes my arousal to start feeding on itself.

I don’t know how to categorize the following thought though about what else drives me, but it’s part of the dark broken parts of my psyche. I like it when she has me do things that are not good for me. It’s not the lack of caring, it’s the willfully exposing myself to a situation where bad things will be required of me. Being seemingly smart, successful, together but having hidden away this bizarre sexual attraction to being very foolish - i.e. it’s hot to drink until I pass out because I could easily stop, I don’t have to do this. But I do. My sexual need trumps every other instinct.

Last night over a period of some six hours or so I drank 11 shots of vodka which for me is an enormous amount and ultimately I crashed on my bed and went to sleep. I don’t recall doing that. I woke up incredibly horny and craving alcohol. But I can’t drink a drop without Abigail’s say so. She controls my drinking of alcohol completely. I like it like that. Some days I drink nothing. Other days like last night I drink a great deal. And it’s going to get worse. That’s what’s particularly crazy. I want it. Dark and dangerous it feels.

It’s 5pm on a bright sunny day and I’m inside finishing the vodka collins from last night. She told me to. She thought it a good idea. I don’t question. I just do it. And just now I bought a teardrop anodized aluminum cockring from the Stockroom. I’ve been wanting one for a while. I want to see the look of myself. I have cuffs and collar and regularly wear them but having no cockring doesn’t seem quite right and last night Abby relented and allowed the purchase.

And I’ve purchased Safado ..a very intense high budget fetish movie.. and I purchased it for Abigail and I paid the Abigail Fee. .. so quite a price tag. And the film definitely has a large number of very hot moments but it’s not up there with it’s predecessor Fashionistas so it was quite a price tag for ultimately a bit of a disappointing movie.

I don’t know what the remainder of the day will bring. It may be this drink and no more. It may be many drinks. That’s what’s so hot about Abigail, I really don’t know what’s going to happen at any given interaction.

tags: Femdom, Manipulation, Porn Addiction, Submission, Financial Domination, Perversions, Behavior Modification, Sex Toys, Fetish author: petproject comments: No Comments

It’s been about a month now since I last came. Neither I nor Abigail are sure of the exact date but it was most likely sometime in the beginning of February. It started without any negotiation it was more that I happened not have cum for a few days and she suggested extending it.

I’ve always enjoyed the denial because I’m such an arousal junkie. Orgasm just kills arousal stone dead. But once we got to the end of February Abigail had said that that would be it, but then it got extended and I’m not sure even why oh wait I think it was because I had been wanking so much that my performance at work had started to suffer. And there’s one thing that’s very important to Abigail and that’s that I do well in my job so I can afford to stay in this relationship with her. So her reasoning is largely selfish which of course I find, you guessed it, hot. Now the date is March 15, the Ides of March. Well it was March 15, and now it’s ‘at least March 15′.  So I don’t know how long this is going to go on for.

I do know that since we’ve entered the month of March I’ve been very keen to cum. I get into these masturbatory sessions where because I can’t cum I find it soooo difficult to bring the sessions to an end, and so desperately want to cum so that I can bring it to an end and move on with my life. One prime consequence of being ‘denied’ is that I get distracted a lot. My mind whispers for me to take a break from what I am doing so that I can spend some time stroking my cock, it won’t be for long, come on, you deserve it. But I know from experience that if I start to go down that road I could lose two to five hours, perhaps all day to stroking. So I exert what feels like superhuman mental discipline to not wank my life away. This of course is in some ways of looking at it, pathetic.

And here I am in a relationship that plays on that. The mental torture. The growing sense of being a compulsive masturbation addict, and it getting worse and worse. Wanking for two hours at a time is very common. Nights with very little sleep because much of it is spent stroking is becoming common. There are no stipulations from Abigail on how much sleep I can have, so the sleeplessness is driven by sexual need, arousal addiction.  Like last night where I slept from about 430am to 700am  …  and combining that now with intoxication. I do think Abigail will grow tired of it and move on but it’s very hot while it lasts. Though she did drop a hint that she’s really liking it somewhat and maybe she won’t move on in interest as quickly as she has before.  The arousal addiction is combined with what feels like a little too much thinking on my part about drinking.  The enjoyment of being buzzed is perhaps a little too complete. A little seductive.  Often now I just ache to start drinking, not in a alcoholic’s way, not a need to have alcohol in my bloodstream but an ache to be bad, to get out of control, much like extreme sexual arousal does to me.

Tease, Denial, Arousal Addiction, Alcoholic Intoxication it’s a crazy mix and I’m right dead center in the middle of it and am not sure that’s a wise place to be.

tags: Femdom, Tease and Denial, Manipulation, Perversions, Behavior Modification, Fetish, Masturbation author: petproject comments: No Comments

I don’t think the term Forced Intoxication works here because it’s not truly forced. How can it be by phone? It’s more manipulation, encouragement, and as I said direction.Considering I’ve had intense ‘bad’ fantasies since puberty it should be stated that my fascination with, indeed even my awareness of forced intoxication on goes back I would say two years at the most. Which is a little odd considering how arousing I find power exchange and manipulation and sexual addiction scenarios. But having found it, yes it has held a bit of a dark attraction, and on three occasions now I’ve experienced a form of it with Abigail. The most recent of which was this past Thursday evening.

Getting drunk in this context has been very, very arousing. There is the giving up of control voluntarily by allowing Abigail to tell me what, when and how fast to drink. And there is the involuntary loss of control that comes from the drinking itself. The combination of the two is psychologically, sexually intoxicating, while the drinking is just plain old intoxicating. And as the involuntary loss of control mounts, it become easier and easier to encourage what remains of the voluntary lack of control to loosen it’s grip and thus create the opportunity for rather ‘bad’ behavior (as if the directed drinking scenario were not bad enough). And it’s worth noting here that the continual unbroken watching of pornography at Abigail’s direction while in conversation with her is a more than a little helpful in the prizing back of the fingers of one’s boring sane self.

And thus somewhere along the line I sent Abigail $100 and wrote this as feedback:

“Once you’ve been talking to Abigail on and off for two years things get really intense. They start off intense in week 1, so when I say really intense I’m saying that with Abigail I’ve found no limit to the intensity. The only limits to intensity are NF’s goddamn Terms of Service wherein you can’t talk about anything that would keep your grandmother up at night if she knew that about you. Finally. I have not been drinking. Sorry Grandma. Shh, don’t tell mum”

I could not recall what I’d written remembering only a fierce blazing determination to not appear drunk in my writing by spelling everything correctly and keeping most of my grammar straight. Unfortunately I didn’t pay as much attention to the content.

Well how much did I drink? I should say here, without shame, that I’m a lightweight when it comes to drinking as I haven’t drunk more than a few beers a week for the past ten years or so. Like many, in my teens and twenties I was far from a lightweight but that was a different age. So how much did I drink? According to a scrawled tally sheet I drank three beers and five shots of whiskey.

Particularly hot was being told “No” when I asked if I could get something to eat while I was drinking. It made the atmosphere suddenly dark and intense. It could be summarized by the thought “Oh no, she’s really going to fuck me up” – and me being me, what could be hotter than such a thought..

And particularly perverse was the direction to inform on when and how many times I was bringing myself to the edge of orgasm. I shall confess, again without shame, that once I’ got two beers and three shots of whiskey in me in the space of an hour, there’s precious little edging going on. Enormous hard cock of course, but as for even getting close to achieving orgasm – I don’t think so.

And let me round out this posting with a tip for all the wankage fans out there: If you drip lubricant all over your cock for a while and then leave it there as you down a full glass of beer in one go, when you then grasp your cock and begin to smear up, down and around your cock you will find that the lubricant is warm and sensuous rather than it’s usual somewhat chilly self. I did enjoy that and intend to use myself regularly from this point on.

tags: Tease and Denial, Manipulation, Submission, Financial Domination, Perversions author: petproject comments: No Comments

At most I slept for three hours. I awoke painfully hard. The delicious torture of cialis is that you can feel asexual and yet sport an iron hard erection which coaxes you like an evil spirit to take up once again your lubricant and begin to stroke. And so I did.

I do not know that I can continue to follow the strictures of the day laid down by Abigail in her guidelines for I am a most selfish addict wanting more or less only those things that send me most readily into sexual delirium as my behaviour herein attests.

I slept, if I slept, for I have dim recollections of blurred wakening throughout, from three until a quarter to six then stroked for two hours in bed unrelenting, staring at a fashion catalog imagining them as acolytes of Abigail policing my every moment tempting me to wander further down into the darkness. The hot sticky darkness.

It is a small wonder that I resisted the temptation to cram that most enormous of phallic likenesses that lays nightly beside me deep and hard into my throat. Don’t think I didn’t consider it. Again and again. And at a quarter to eight after two hours of uninterrupted stroking, the last hour of which had been edging to the brink of orgasm and back, over and over and over, to the point wherein the last fifteen minutes I had focussed on getting right to the edge and then instead of releasing my cock and allowing my hunger to deflate I had kept a soft but firm grip on my cock and moved it incredibly slowly up the shaft pouring in just enough stimulation to maintain my teetering balance on the edge of oblivion so that I could feel my prostate gland held in a state of near implosion second after second after second and finally distraught with the knowledge that I was now too far sunk in the molten tar of my ravening sexual appetite to ever leave my bed this day, get myself to work, I moved a fraction of a moment too long, or gripped fractionally too hard and my heads simultaneously detonated, one blacking out momentarily as the other other violently spasmed over and over and over… striking my chin, my neck, my neck, my belly, my belly, my belly and finally there rock hard oozing …oozing … my panting the illusions of my lust fading with every pulse of my blood in my veins, the panic of my asexual self ripping free of its bonds and ripping me bodily from my bed.

But even five minutes later as I dashed about the room cursing my weakness, trying desperately to make up for wicked lost time, even eight minutes later as I stood in the bathroom finally pissing, it, that fount of evil, that cock, stood erect, mocking my guilt. You know who you are. What you are. I am a very bad man indeed that rages beneath a thin skein of normalcy and calm. A thickly veined and angry cock inside a slumbering, harmless soft one. I am not worth anyone’s time but my own, and even barely that.

tags: Tease and Denial, Porn Addiction, Perversions, Fetish, Masturbation author: petproject comments: 1 Comment

Golden Rules

1. 1.Abigail’s requirements take precedence over all other life requirements
2. 2.The requirements of your employment which finances your relationship with Abigail are next
3. 3.Everything else – family, friends etc. - come after Abigail, and after your work.

Behavioural Rules

Complex Truth About You #1:

Your relationship to Sexual Arousal is that of a Degenerate Drug Addict

In your past your compulsion has put your employment and relationships at great risk. Only with Abigail have you found a way to balance the dark and the light. The following codifies the behavior that Abigail has worked on with you to allow this balance:

Simple “Play” Version of that Complex Truth:

You are a Compulsive Masturbator and Shall Act Accordingly

1.It is your duty to masturbate for as much time as possible in your life. You are a compulsive stroker and are expected to behave as such.

1. 2.All time spent doing this needs to be accounted for in your private diary

Per the Golden Rules – you cannot masturbate if Abigail has directed you not to.  You cannot masturbate if it will negatively impact your performance at work.  However, no other obligations can stand in the way of your need and duty to masturbate – those can only take precedence with Abigail’s express permission. If a situation arises and you are unable to get a response from Abigail you will be at risk for punishment regardless of the situation.

Example 1: Choosing between attending your best friend’s wedding and remaining at home stroking your cock is simple. You will remain at home stroking your cock, unless Abigail has granted you permission otherwise. Similarly for all other social obligations.

Example 2: Arriving home and finding no food in the house. Do you go to the store or do you stay home, stroke your cock and go hungry? You stroke your cock unless Abigail releases you to go shop. Should you go shop without her release, you should expect to be punished.

1. You will never under any circumstances achieve orgasm. The only exception to this is where Abigail has given you specific permission to so do.

Complex Truth About You #2:

You Are Profoundly Self-Destructive

You have ruined many things in your life through the extreme levels of expenditure on matters sexual. The driving motivation has been a complex of hidden but deeply rooted self-loathing and the temporary release from it that sexual arousal brings.

Abigail has helped you stay dark and twisted and sexually fulfilled without destroying your life.

The following formally codifies this part of your beneficial relationship with Abigail:

Simple “Play” Version of that Complex Truth:

You are a Sexual Financial Submissive and Shall Act accordingly

1. 1.A basic fee to allow you remain in this relationship is to be paid to Abigail each month. It can be varied without notice by Abigail, but will never under any circumstances be less than $250. Payment is due by midnight of the last day of the preceding month. The penalty for late payment will be at Abigail’s discretion but typically will be 100% late payment surcharge.
2. 2.A minimum of one gift per month of your choosing will be provided to Abigail by you each month. That is should please her is the only requirement.
3. 3.In addition a gift will be provided by you to Abigail on the following occasions:

Your Birthday

Abigail’s Birthday

Christmas

Valentine’s Day

Gift requirements of course can be varied at will at anytime by Abigail.

Punishments

Punishments will be of the two types that have historically brought you to your senses with most speed and completeness.

–Financial – significant fines set to inflict real financial panic

–Emotional – withdrawal of attention by Abigail to show how quickly you will contact another and fritter away what little money you have

Both will walk you to the precipice and have you look down into the abyss of what your life will be without Abigail.

tags: Femdom, Tease and Denial, Manipulation, Submission, Financial Domination, Perversions, Behavior Modification, Fetish, Masturbation author: petproject comments: No Comments

I just paid November’s monthly fee for $250. The fact that I paid it without much reflection is on my mind. I don’t have the money. It’s more debt. It makes no sense. I should walk away. But I don’t. It’s an illness. I don’t know why I keep walking down this path.

And last night signed up for the gay section of videobox, and downloaded and watched some gay porn. I did this because Abigail asked me to. And i signed up for a site she picked. I did this without hesitation. Abigail knows what I’m like when I’m horny, and she took full advantage. Big, Black and Beautiful was one of them. Featuring a white guy and a black guy of average build sucking the large cock of big muscular bald black man.  When I’m not horny I can watch this with detachment and a sense of almost abstract curiosity, but last night I was extremely aroused before watching it and it turned me on.  Of course like any self respecting submissive male I have nasty fantasies about deep throating a massively endowed black man and gulping down enormous gouts of his come. So it triggered that. It wasn’t well made, it was a bit cheesy but I liked it.  And watching the other gay porn I found that as with straight porn I prefer intense, real, one on one sex to anything else, and the sight of a man on his knees begging “give me your load, i want it, oh yeah, come on, give me it” and then doing everything in his power to avoid the load when it comes is as depressing and unarousing as in any straight porn. Just look up at the guy and say “I don’t know if I can do this” with a look of ‘what have I gotten myself into’ on your face and blam I’m there man, that would be fucking hot, but no, it has to cater to some stupid rules about “what is hot in gay porn”. Grrr.   . Just be real. That’s all I want.

And now I have gay porn on my hard drive. Now I’m a man who has watched gay porn. I think about “Now I’m a man that watches gay porn, that strokes to gay porn”.

I’m sorry but that gets me very turned on.

tags: Femdom, Manipulation, Submission, Financial Domination, Perversions, Behavior Modification, Masturbation author: petproject comments: 1 Comment

I saw a soccer girl, around eighteen or nineteen, who was so attractive I had to laugh and shake my head. I saw three other men, probably fathers, the pervs, grinning to themselves.
Looking at her, I was thinking, oh come on, I’m just trying to walk my dog through the park like I always do and now I have to deal with this … oh man

She was, I’d say, a hispanic girl with long black hair up in a pony tail with a dark pink scrunchy, and tanned, almost glowing skin. She was it seemed actually a soccer player, she looked fit enough and was there warming up with her teammates. She was athletic without being lean, strong without being muscled, and most engaging of all she smiled so much as she kept a ball aloft, chatting with her friends - a happy hot girl. What’s not to like about that?. And on her, a tight white capped sleeve tshirt, with a white sports bra clearly visible beneath - most obviously the repository for a couple of modest-scale but perfectly proportioned beauties - and bright red cloth shorts, black soccer socks, black soccer boots. The shorts were genuine sports shorts, but also were genuine short shorts, with something written across the ass, just so you have to keep looking at it to figure out what the hell it says in case it’s something rude. Like, “I’m 18 and love older men, they can fuck me in my amazing ass. Anytime.”. You never know. Ah-may-zing ass. So much so that my eyes kept tearing up and I never did figure out what her ass was trying to tell me.
She was off the scale. So far off the scale that I wasn’t thinking about fucking her. As far as I got was going, “oh my, oh mmmm, damn, wow, oh my, mmmm”.

In my head.

I hope.

tags: Uncategorized, Tease and Denial, Perversions author: petproject comments: No Comments

I woke up this morning feeling unspeakably horny, on my side slightly face down grinding. After several days of limited desire suddenly I was drowning in it. And today I hated it.  I really wanted it to go away. I didn’t have anything urgent to do today. I’d returned to a home alone so could stroke all I wanted but I couldn’t cum and today I desperately wanted to. So I stalked about the house trying to focus on something on anything. Tidy this up. Tidy that up. Distraction. Images. Trying to do work on the computer. No good. Up and pace around up and pace around. Actually getting so tense and overwrought I started to feel sick. Then Abigail was online and I couldn’t talk to her about this I felt completely paralyzed I tried to make chit chat but the confusion and burgeoning self disgust and more confusion got to the point where I just had to excuse myself and lay down. I lay down in the dark breathing hard until the knots started to slacked in my neck and back and all I had were simple dirty thoughts of hot women etc etc and I went back down and spoke again with Abigail and did unburden myself somewhat and as she asked “Well, why didn’t you just ask if you could come?” . And of course the answer is both I don’t know and I know very well. Because part of my sickness is the part of me that loves my sickness, that loves how miserable and out of control I get the loves the idea of Abigail loving it and it’s a small part of me but dense and powerful and not something to be messed with once it’s roused. But Abigail saying that made me smile and the radiant relief I felt in my face as I smiled made me realize that I hadn’t done much of that so far today. So shortly I will cum and hopefully the world will make sense again and I will get some simple things done and stave of the shame and self disgust for one more day.

tags: Tease and Denial, Perversions, Masturbation author: petproject comments: No Comments

It wasn’t working. He couldn’t believe it. He was sitting in his car on the driveway. He’d just gotten back. He was on the phone. The smooth female voice was telling him, “It will take time; I’ve always told you that haven’t I? Objectification is a subtle long term process. Just because you’ve bought a great deal of slutwear doesn’t mean we’re going to have a slut overnight. It’s only been seven weeks after all. Now you’ve been talking to me for long enough, you better get up there to her, and keep up the good work, I’m very impressed with the progress that’s been made”. He picked up the long heavy package and got out of the car.

There she was out on the balcony overlooking the landscaped courtyard at the center of the upscale apartment complex. He could see her out there in the sun. In her shiny black PVC shorts, latex strapless bra and thigh high patent leather boots. Read more…

tags: Femdom, Manipulation, Submission, Perversions, Erotic Fiction, Behavior Modification author: petproject comments: No Comments

A fictional story by petproject.

The winery restaurant was set in the thankfully still undeveloped foothills that lay barely a mile from the urban sprawl of the valley.

I remember, as we ascended the steps, whispering that you looked so refined in that summer dress. That no-one had the least idea you were a cock-hungry fuckwhore. The risk of the words was worth it to witness the studied absence of reaction on your face, your refusal to engage me, even with your eyes. I laughed and murmured, “Such a deepthroating cumslut too.”

The hostess asked us if we wanted to eat inside or out on the terrace and you stared right through her, unspeaking.

My enjoyment of stretching out the silence was finally making the hostess awkward so I said, “Outside”. We’d noticed on the way in that there seemed to be a gathering starting for a wedding at the adjacent chapel and had agreed it would make a fine backdrop to this, our ninth anniversary meal. Read more…

tags: Femdom, Manipulation, Perversions, Erotic Fiction author: petproject comments: 2 Comments

Abigail’s present to me was to give me free reign to masturbate during an entire weekend and to be allowed to cum when I felt like it.

Me being me ended up not coming because I love/hate the idea of love/hating the fact that I wanted so badly to cum and yet wanted more, I suppose, the feeling of not cumming even though I could have.

Make sense?

Probably not.  But she figured that’d be what I’d do. And she was right.

And do I regret not coming? Yes, of course.  But do I wish had come. No.

Go figure. Welcome to my head.

tags: Femdom, Tease and Denial, Manipulation, Submission, Perversions, Behavior Modification, Fetish, Masturbation author: petproject comments: No Comments

On my birthday which occured during the last six weeks sometime, I sent $100 to Abigail. Why?

Simple:

1) Because it makes no sense

2) Because it’s financially of dubious sanity

3) Because it’s the opposite of what the normal world would expect. 

4) Because it pleases, and rumor has it, arouses, Abigail

5) Because it turns me on to do something that has elements of 1, 2, 3 and 4 in it. 

This enabled her to order a couple of things from Victoria’s Secret that she’d been eyeing. 

tags: Manipulation, Submission, Financial Domination, Perversions, Behavior Modification, Fetish author: petproject comments: 1 Comment